It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Pv2Caribou, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling abnormally concerned, Pv2Caribou punched a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). As if it really mattered he realized that his beloved Bagle of Destiny was missing! Immediately he called his so-called buddy, Fear091. Pv2Caribou had known Fear091 for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Fear091 was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Pv2Caribou called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Fear091 picked up to a very angry Pv2Caribou. Fear091 calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks sigh before mating, yet venomous koalas usually exotically yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Pv2Caribou. Why was Fear091 trying to distract Pv2Caribou? Because he had snuck out from Pv2Caribou's with the Bagle of Destiny only four days prior. It was a striking little Bagle of Destiny... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Pv2Caribou got back to the subject at hand: his Bagle of Destiny. Fear091 belched. Relunctantly, Fear091 invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Bagle of Destiny. Pv2Caribou grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Fear091 realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Bagle of Destiny and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Pv2Caribou took the best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan, he had take at least five minutes before Pv2Caribou would get there. But if he took the Toastmobile? Then Fear091 would be alarmingly screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Fear091 was interrupted by five dimwitted beagles that were lured by his Bagle of Destiny. Fear091 sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he aimlessly reached for his gerbil and deftly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Toastmobile rolling up. It was Pv2Caribou.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Pv2Caribou was out of the Toastmobile and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Fear091's front door. Meanwhile inside, Fear091 was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Bagle of Destiny into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. Fear091 was pleased but at least the Bagle of Destiny was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Fear091 indiscriminately purred. With a mighty push, Pv2Caribou opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive noble genius in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Fear091 assured him. Pv2Caribou took a seat wonderfully far from where Fear091 had hidden the Bagle of Destiny. Fear091 panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Pv2Caribou was distracted. Just as zero people expected Fear091 noticed a dimwitted look on Pv2Caribou's face. Pv2Caribou slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Fear091 felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Pv2Caribou asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Bagle of Destiny right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Pv2Caribou's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Pv2Caribou nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Fear091 could react, Pv2Caribou randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Bagle of Destiny was plainly in view.
Pv2Caribou stared at Fear091 for what what must've been nine days. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Fear091 groped explosively in Pv2Caribou's direction, clearly desperate. Pv2Caribou grabbed the Bagle of Destiny and bolted for the door. It was locked. Fear091 let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Pv2Caribou,' he rebuked. Fear091 always had been a little dimwitted, so Pv2Caribou knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Fear091 did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. As if it really mattered he gripped his Bagle of Destiny tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Fear091 looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Pv2Caribou. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Pv2Caribou. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Fear091 walked over to the window and looked down. Pv2Caribou was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Pv2Caribou was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Fear091's place. Pv2Caribou had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral beagles suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Bagle of Destiny. One by one they latched on to Pv2Caribou. Already weakened from his injury, Pv2Caribou yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of beagles running off with his Bagle of Destiny.
About nine hours later, Pv2Caribou awoke, his prostate throbbing. It was dark and Pv2Caribou did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely bush, Pv2Caribou was exceedingly lost. Just as zero people expected he remembered that his Bagle of Destiny was taken by the beagles. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy beagle emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha beagle. Pv2Caribou opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the beagle sunk its teeth into Pv2Caribou's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Pv2Caribou's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than five miles away, Fear091 was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Bagle of Destiny. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a mighty thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Pv2Caribou... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Bagle of Destiny that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant beagles, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.
LOLz!!1
*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright ©
www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
