Ranking
Original Post
[WIP]Florence
i Wrote this song:

dress up old florence in an open backed gown.
last night was for dancing today is for rest.
her house on ocean shore parkway is warm.
but strangely quiet after the songs.
and the dancing and card games and one of her friends.
made a pass like a lover she sweetly declined.
cause he's gone. i'm sorry i'll only have one.
and i know that you know how to be alone cause yours.
is gone too. dress up old florence she's falling away.
put on her flowered housecoat and arrange.
her silver hair flowing with a comb and a brush.
and powder her pale check with rosy blush.
and though her daughter talked to her every day of her life.
and tended to her while she was losing her life.
there were moments of anger and terrible mean.
things were said loudly and tears had to stream from her face.
left with a sweeping disgrace of a broken glass argument's haste.
ah what a waste to erase your grace.

dress up old florence she's leaving today.
and mother and daughter are losing their way.
and florence is frightened but she'll understand.
it's better than blood thinners and oxygen masks.
now you send for a priest for a blessing a prayer.
she's against them all cause they don't give a damn.
as he's leaving the sacristy he said with a wink.
and dropping his robes he grabs a drink.
then he's gone into the arms of a nun.
who has skin and a pulse and a son.
and needs someone too like you.

dress up old florence she's looking so good.
and now all her brave friends are coming with food.
this should have been hard but by mid afternoon.
you can hear the note as it moves through the room.
remember that time eric was falling down drunk.
in a woman's dress and he called when he lost.
yeah they made a good team and when they played cards.
christ himself stacked all the odds.
though she's gone into the arms of our god.
i'm so glad to have known someone so strong but not hard

Download here:http://www.wikiupload.com/5l6prlMW

credits to my father who helped me write this

Constructive Criticism
it is a slow indie song.

more to come
Last edited by Orion; Jul 22, 2010 at 06:29 AM.
Free Pv2Caribou
Reported (not in bad way, but this is in wong seciton i think).
Fan club
on.toribash advertising space here, pm me lol(75tc per week i haggle)
Why would this be in the wrong section?

Poetry is a form of art.

I like it mate keep it up 7/10.
it is art, but, it would be more suited in the music section.
you wont get any decent crits in a predomenantly vis art section.
reporting was also a waste of yours and the smods time tbh lostworld.

moving it over to music for you

i cant image how the song would sound without a tune tho =/
-=Art is never finished, only abandoned=-
i have made some rough mixes of a recording i will post it on youtube.
Free Pv2Caribou
When you do send me the link
Toribash TakeOVER
<Colossus> ROFL
<Colossus> my friend got hit by a car
<Colossus> gonna go visit him. brb

[22:45:46] <Thorn> I know she likes it in the ear
[22:45:53] <Thorn> because when I put it to her mouth she turns away
[sigpic]http://i906.photobucket.com/albums/ac268/IAMUBERTHANU/552502_413931871977453_2050418562_njpg.gif[/sigpic]
download link is up!
rate it, comment, whatever your input helps
Free Pv2Caribou