Buy a Parrot, feed it hummus and get it on tape. Works every time.
Private Board access invoves you feeding spicy hummus to the parrot and having it quack its name while pecking your face with its beak.
P.S: This thread just killed all your chances for the forseable future, mate. If your ready for the cool kids clans, you'll know it and you won't ask how to get in, you'll already know.