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Old Apr 10, 2017   #1
10th Dan Black Belt
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 239

Lies and how to move on after it crashes down
Short backstory, girlfriend of three years has been lying to me for the past eight months even while I was in Basic Training for the Navy and she only told me now because the cops caught her with drugs. She lied to me multiple times as she tried to cover it up and then it all came out. What do I do now, she destroyed our trust. What would you do if you were in this situation? I planned on proposing in May before I found out about this. I have a lot of stress other than her but I need priorities, I don't know how to react to this situation
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Old Apr 10, 2017   #2
Ferragamo Belt
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what you're saying is pretty vague and doesn't really make room for much meaningful discussion. although, if you can't trust her anymore chances are it's not a healthy relationship.
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Old Apr 11, 2017   #3
10th Dan Black Belt
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I was vague so other people could put their inputs on how lying can affect them and if they had experience what they did to move on and gain trust
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Old Apr 11, 2017   #4
Black Belt
Join Date: Nov 2015
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Simply put
She lied to you and broke the trust that kept you two together

Break up with her before you further get hurt

You don't deserve her and she doesn't deserve you look for better people
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Old Apr 11, 2017   #5
Drunken Master Belt
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,923

lets take another step back,why was the need to lie?
if you knew that she was on drugs all this time,would you have ended this
relationship earlier,did you ever imply that if she ever did drugs you would end
the relationship or something like that?

also what drug,don't tell me marijuana please

Last edited by nikosefs; Apr 11, 2017 at 09:45 AM..
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Old Apr 11, 2017   #6
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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She lied, meaning you confronted her about this before saying something along the lines as, "Hey X, do you have drugs or use them?". X told you no (Using X since you didn't give me a name).

Turns out she still does! Now, it comes down to two things.

1. Do you still love her?

2. Is this drug that serious?

Marijuana isn't a big deal honestly, but something like Cocaine or Meth is another story. Take into consideration that she kept this from you because she loved you and was afraid you'd think badly of her and leave her. So back to your question. "How do I get past her lying?" Well, do you want to? Are you okay with this? Knowing she does drugs or sells them can be a big deal when it comes to how bad the drug is.

If you don't like the fact that she does drugs and you feel like you've been betrayed, then I advise leaving so you aren't hurting from this. But that isn't easy, since marriage is on the table. You need to list your pros and cons. She Lied, does or sells drugs, and loves you. You can accept it or not. That's up to you.

What would I do?
Well, if I loved her - but she lied to me. I'd try to find a way around it. Forgive her, but tell her you're hurt and she can't be doing things like that. I can't make a real inference since you didn't tell me how bad this is. If it's weed then fuck it who cares. But anything else, I don't think id want to stick around with that.

Are you serious about her. Yes or No
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Last edited by WeooWeoo; Apr 11, 2017 at 10:18 AM..
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Old Apr 11, 2017   #7
10th Dan Black Belt
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 239

I don't care about the drugs themselves, the lying and sneaking around my back is the main issue. Yes we are serious and I'm trying to forgive but my main issue is gaining trust back, she says she's told me the whole truth now but part of me will wonder, there's so much I don't know but part of me just says to let it go and just move on but I don't want to throw the past three years of that away. About the drugs the fine is going to be hefty but it wasn't anything hard, she'll be alright in that regard. The way she lied was when she told me she got caught by the cops, I respect that she came to me about it, but she told me lies about it, I asked how long she said a couple months, turns out that was a lie and it's been nearly eight, and she's been getting drunk and sneaking out to hang out with other people, one guy she says was just to get the stuff from she would meet after we were going to bed for the night, mind you I'm in the military so we aren't in the same bed, but she hid the fact about him until I dug deeper, turns out she was with him that night she got caught.
Edit: Also I wouldn't have broken up about the drugs or the drinking, only asked her to stop which I did before and she promised to quit drinking (under legal drinking age btw) but she went behind my back and lied because she thought she'd lose me if she told me, I don't understand that logic I asked if she was scared to lose me why keep doing it but she didn't have an answer.

Last edited by dabarrett; Apr 11, 2017 at 12:16 PM..
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Old Apr 11, 2017   #8
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Leave her. Let her be happy without you. Sounds like you're a wet blanket on her vibrant social life.

If I'm understanding your situation correctly, you're in the military and she's stuck bored at home. Joining the military is a really good way to kill a relationship. She's already going out drinking (even though you forbade her from doing so), her getting off with another guy isn't a stretch (I suspect you already think she's fucking the guy she's getting the alcohol from).

It ain't going to work. You're already thinking that it isn't going to work. You should be kind and save the both of you a lot of time and heartbreak by ending it now. She wants to have fun and live her youth and you're not sure you can trust her (and you being away in the military only makes this trust issue bigger).

Last edited by Ele; Apr 11, 2017 at 01:52 PM..
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Old Apr 11, 2017   #9
Kozmic Belt
Join Date: Mar 2015
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Dab, message me on steam if you wanna talk about this more thoroughly

This isnt a good situation, but it can be fixed i think. She lied to you about doing drugs etc and thats what you're most hurt about. Trust is an amazing thing, but when you lose it, its really hard to gain it back. I smoke weed occaisionaly, and i used to smoke a lot more, I also used to smoke cigarettes and dip tobacco, and my dad caught me multiple times with cigarettes, dip, vapes, and recently about two months ago he caught me coming home from my dealers with 4 grams, and it had been a good couple years since he had caught me with anything, mainly because i stopped using drugs and tobacco for a while. He wasn't upset about finding the weed, but he was devistated because he knew i lied to him, and trusting a liar is hard and you often lose that trust, and again its hard to gain trust back but its a process. In my case, i stopped doing drugs and stopped lying to my dad, my family is really close and family oriented so trust is a big thing with us.

If she is confident and determined about stopping drugs and alcohol and lying to you, keep her because she is giving up something that she is most likely addicted to, to stay with you and make things between you and her better. If she seems on edge about quitting, that is normal due to addiction and should go away once the substance is out of her system, but if it doesnt go away and you sense she is still sneaking around you, you don't deserve that man.

And don't forget that you are in the Military, Darren. If you marry her and she moves in with you on a military base or while you are active-duty on a base and she gets caught using drugs, you and her will be in a lot of shit in most cases. My brother is in the air force and his wife got caught smoking pot, which isn't anything major and he wasnt too upset about it, but he makes 100% sure that she is not smoking while she is at their house because it is on their air force base. When she comes back to michigan where our family and her family is, me and her go chill at her grandmas and smoke, because then she isnt risking getting caught using on military grounds, and my brother is fine with her smoking when they're back up here. Be smart about this, and don't be too hard on her, she loves you and you love her, if shes worth keeping, keep her.
If you need to PM me, message me on my alt Kozmonaut, thats the account I use for the forums.
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Old Apr 11, 2017   #10
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Maybe this is your entry into the drug business. See it as opportunity and laugh about it when you are a rich OG, dude.
How are you?
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