It all started when our (former porn) star, Zayex, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly worried, Zayex deflowered a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved Pre-War Tech was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, Vanilla. Zayex had known Vanilla for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Vanilla was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... oafish. Zayex called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Vanilla picked up to a very angry Zayex. Vanilla calmly assured him that most venomous koalas yawn before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually flamboyantly yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Zayex. Why was Vanilla trying to distract Zayex? Because he had snuck out from Zayex's with the Pre-War Tech only eight days prior. It was a flamboyant little Pre-War Tech... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Zayex got back to the subject at hand: his Pre-War Tech. Vanilla belched. Relunctantly, Vanilla invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Pre-War Tech. Zayex grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Vanilla realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Pre-War Tech and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Zayex took the homemade car, he had take at least four minutes before Zayex would get there. But if he took the Zoom Zoom? Then Vanilla would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Vanilla was interrupted by five funny-smelling Bears that were lured by his Pre-War Tech. Vanilla belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he thoughtfully reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and aggressively hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Zoom Zoom rolling up. It was Zayex.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Zayex was out of the Zoom Zoom and went earnestly jaunting toward Vanilla's front door. Meanwhile inside, Vanilla was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Pre-War Tech into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his canoe. Vanilla was relieved but at least the Pre-War Tech was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Vanilla scandalously purred. With a mighty push, Zayex opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling coke fiend in a tricycle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Vanilla assured him. Zayex took a seat exotically proximate to where Vanilla had hidden the Pre-War Tech. Vanilla shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Zayex was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Vanilla noticed a abrasive look on Zayex's face. Zayex slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Vanilla felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Zayex asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Pre-War Tech right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Zayex's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Zayex nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Vanilla could react, Zayex skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Pre-War Tech was plainly in view.
Zayex stared at Vanilla for what what must've been nine seconds. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Vanilla groped explosively in Zayex's direction, clearly desperate. Zayex grabbed the Pre-War Tech and bolted for the door. It was locked. Vanilla let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Zayex,' he rebuked. Vanilla always had been a little stupid, so Zayex knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Vanilla did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. A few freaknasty minutes later, he gripped his Pre-War Tech tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Vanilla looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Zayex. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Zayex. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Vanilla walked over to the window and looked down. Zayex was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Zayex was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Vanilla's place. Zayex had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Pre-War Tech. One by one they latched on to Zayex. Already weakened from his injury, Zayex yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Bears running off with his Pre-War Tech.
But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Zayex's Pre-War Tech. Feeling exasperated, God smote the Bears for their injustice. Then He got in His magic flying carpet and dashed away with the fortitude of half a million 3-legged wallabies running from a misshapen pack of 3-legged wallabies. Zayex tripped with joy when he saw this. His Pre-War Tech was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, In Session, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When spotted wolf hamsters meet unborn fetus'). Zayex was elated. And so, everyone except Vanilla and a few contraceptive-toting Indonesian devil cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright Љ www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

It all started when our protagonist, Zayex, woke up in a jungle. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly displeased, Zayex slapped a salt shaker, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). All of a sudden, he realized that his beloved Guilded Onyx Laser Sword was missing! Immediately he called his friend, Jane. Zayex had known Jane for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Jane was unique. She was outgoing though sometimes a little... insensitive. Zayex called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Jane picked up to a very unctuous Zayex. Jane calmly assured him that most capybaras yawn before mating, yet kittens usually indiscriminately grimace *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Zayex. Why was Jane trying to distract Zayex? Because she had snuck out from Zayex's with the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword only nine days prior. It was a flamboyant little Guilded Onyx Laser Sword... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Zayex got back to the subject at hand: his Guilded Onyx Laser Sword. Jane turned red. Relunctantly, Jane invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword. Zayex grabbed his desk and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Jane realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if Zayex took the ricer, she had take at least seven minutes before Zayex would get there. But if he took the Destructonator? Then Jane would be really screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Jane was interrupted by eleven stupid Cats that were lured by her Guilded Onyx Laser Sword. Jane yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she thoughtfully reached for her sock and recklessly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Destructonator rolling up. It was Zayex.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of butterknifes, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Zayex was out of the Destructonator and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Jane's front door. Meanwhile inside, Jane was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword into a box of oven mitts and then slid the box behind her desk. Jane was angered but at least the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Jane flamboyantly purred. With a careful push, Zayex opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying fiend in a '82 Corolla,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Jane assured him. Zayex took a seat far away from where Jane had hidden the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword. Jane grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Zayex was distracted. All of a sudden, Jane noticed a selfish look on Zayex's face. Zayex slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Jane felt a stabbing pain in her chest when Zayex asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Zayex's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's forks from when she used to have pet beavers. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Zayex nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Jane could react, Zayex deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Guilded Onyx Laser Sword was plainly in view.
Zayex stared at Jane for what what must've been eleven minutes. Soon afterward, Jane groped scandalously in Zayex's direction, clearly desperate. Zayex grabbed the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword and bolted for the door. It was locked. Jane let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Zayex,' she rebuked. Jane always had been a little stupid, so Zayex knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Jane did something crazy, like... start chucking salt shakers at her or something. Suddenly, he gripped his Guilded Onyx Laser Sword tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Jane looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Zayex. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Zayex. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Jane walked over to the window and looked down. Zayex was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Zayex was struggling to make his way through the vineyard behind Jane's place. Zayex had severely hurt his butt during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Cats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword. One by one they latched on to Zayex. Already weakened from his injury, Zayex yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Cats running off with his Guilded Onyx Laser Sword.
About three hours later, Zayex awoke, his neck throbbing. It was dark and Zayex did not know where he was. Deep in the inhospitable thicket, Zayex was excessively lost. Without warning, he remembered that his Guilded Onyx Laser Sword was taken by the Cats. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged Cat emerged from the thicket. It was the alpha Cat. Zayex opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Cat sunk its teeth into Zayex's thigh. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Zayex's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than three miles away, Jane was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened stapler. With a careful thrust, she buried it deeply into her butt. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Zayex... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Guilded Onyx Laser Sword that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Cats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.
LOLz!!1

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright Љ www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

It all started when our (former porn) star, Radioactive Numbaonah, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously pleased, Radioactive Numbaonah slapped a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Numbaonah's Crush. Radioactive Numbaonah had known Numbaonah's Crush for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Numbaonah's Crush was unique. She was attractive though sometimes a little... insensitive. Radioactive Numbaonah called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Numbaonah's Crush picked up to a very sad Radioactive Numbaonah. Numbaonah's Crush calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats yawn before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually scandalously belch *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Radioactive Numbaonah. Why was Numbaonah's Crush trying to distract Radioactive Numbaonah? Because she had snuck out from Radioactive Numbaonah's with the diary only six days prior. It was a electric little diary... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Radioactive Numbaonah got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Numbaonah's Crush panicked. Relunctantly, Numbaonah's Crush invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Radioactive Numbaonah grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Numbaonah's Crush realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the diary and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Radioactive Numbaonah took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), she had take at least ten minutes before Radioactive Numbaonah would get there. But if he took the Space ship? Then Numbaonah's Crush would be exceedingly screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Numbaonah's Crush was interrupted by two stupid billy mayss that were lured by her diary. Numbaonah's Crush yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling puzzled, she aggressively reached for her carrot and deftly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Space ship rolling up. It was Radioactive Numbaonah.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Radioactive Numbaonah was out of the Space ship and went wildly jaunting toward Numbaonah's Crush's front door. Meanwhile inside, Numbaonah's Crush was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the diary into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind her elephant. Numbaonah's Crush was worried but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Numbaonah's Crush scandalously purred. With a inept push, Radioactive Numbaonah opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive rationality-deprived retard in a pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Numbaonah's Crush assured him. Radioactive Numbaonah took a seat ridiculously far from where Numbaonah's Crush had hidden the diary. Numbaonah's Crush sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Radioactive Numbaonah was distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, Numbaonah's Crush noticed a oafish look on Radioactive Numbaonah's face. Radioactive Numbaonah slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Numbaonah's Crush felt a stabbing pain in her ear when Radioactive Numbaonah asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the diary right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Radioactive Numbaonah's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Radioactive Numbaonah nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Numbaonah's Crush could react, Radioactive Numbaonah recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.

Radioactive Numbaonah stared at Numbaonah's Crush for what what must've been two minutes. Ever so extemperaneously, Numbaonah's Crush groped explosively in Radioactive Numbaonah's direction, clearly desperate. Radioactive Numbaonah grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Numbaonah's Crush let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Radioactive Numbaonah,' she rebuked. Numbaonah's Crush always had been a little clueless, so Radioactive Numbaonah knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Numbaonah's Crush did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Numbaonah's Crush looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Radioactive Numbaonah. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Radioactive Numbaonah. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Numbaonah's Crush walked over to the window and looked down. Radioactive Numbaonah was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Radioactive Numbaonah was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Numbaonah's Crush's place. Radioactive Numbaonah had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral billy mayss suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Radioactive Numbaonah. Already weakened from his injury, Radioactive Numbaonah yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of billy mayss running off with his diary.

But then God came down with His congenial smile and restored Radioactive Numbaonah's diary. Feeling displeased, God smote the billy mayss for their injustice. Then He got in His neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket and whizzed away with the fortitude of 200,000 long-haired sea monkeys running from a little pack of man-eating capybaras. Radioactive Numbaonah vomited with joy when he saw this. His diary was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in two minutes his favorite TV show, regular show, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When 3-legged wallabies meet contraceptive'). Radioactive Numbaonah was contented. And so, everyone except Numbaonah's Crush and a few malaria-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.

It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Splinter, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally puzzled, Splinter attacked a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he realized that his beloved Grapple hook was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, Cell. Splinter had known Cell for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Cell was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... oafish. Splinter called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Cell picked up to a very unctuous Splinter. Cell calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys shudder before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually indiscriminately turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Splinter. Why was Cell trying to distract Splinter? Because he had snuck out from Splinter's with the Grapple hook only nine days prior. It was a exotic little Grapple hook... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Splinter got back to the subject at hand: his Grapple hook. Cell panicked. Relunctantly, Cell invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Grapple hook. Splinter grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Cell realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Grapple hook and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Splinter took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, he had take at least six minutes before Splinter would get there. But if he took the The cycle? Then Cell would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Cell was interrupted by nine pestering Tigers that were lured by his Grapple hook. Cell yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he recklessly reached for his carrot and recklessly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the The cycle rolling up. It was Splinter.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Splinter was out of the The cycle and went sassily jaunting toward Cell's front door. Meanwhile inside, Cell was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Grapple hook into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his elephant. Cell was puzzled but at least the Grapple hook was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Cell explosively purred. With a deft push, Splinter opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive coke fiend in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Cell assured him. Splinter took a seat exotically proximate to where Cell had hidden the Grapple hook. Cell cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Splinter was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Cell noticed a selfish look on Splinter's face. Splinter slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Cell felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Splinter asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Grapple hook right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Splinter's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Splinter nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Cell could react, Splinter recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Grapple hook was plainly in view.

Splinter stared at Cell for what what must've been six microseconds. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Cell groped sassily in Splinter's direction, clearly desperate. Splinter grabbed the Grapple hook and bolted for the door. It was locked. Cell let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Splinter,' he rebuked. Cell always had been a little clueless, so Splinter knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Cell did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. A few freaknasty minutes later, he gripped his Grapple hook tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Cell looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Splinter. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Splinter. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Cell walked over to the window and looked down. Splinter was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Splinter was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Cell's place. Splinter had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Tigers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Grapple hook. One by one they latched on to Splinter. Already weakened from his injury, Splinter yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Tigers running off with his Grapple hook.

But then God came down with His easygoing smile and restored Splinter's Grapple hook. Feeling puzzled, God smote the Tigers for their injustice. Then He got in His pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac and sped away with the fortitude of 200,000 Indonesian devil cats running from a huge pack of South American hissing sloths. Splinter danced with joy when he saw this. His Grapple hook was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in seven minutes his favorite TV show, Rebecca Black, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet gun'). Splinter was elated. And so, everyone except Cell and a few ebola-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.

It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Ass Sex, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly frustrated, Ass Sex stroked a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved Dildo was missing! Immediately he called his lover, Anal Sex. Ass Sex had known Anal Sex for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Anal Sex was unique. She was plucky though sometimes a little... selfish. Ass Sex called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Anal Sex picked up to a very angry Ass Sex. Anal Sex calmly assured him that most venomous koalas grimace before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually indiscriminately sneeze *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Ass Sex. Why was Anal Sex trying to distract Ass Sex? Because she had snuck out from Ass Sex's with the Dildo only five days prior. It was a flamboyant little Dildo... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Ass Sex got back to the subject at hand: his Dildo. Anal Sex grimaced. Relunctantly, Anal Sex invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Dildo. Ass Sex grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Anal Sex realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Dildo and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Ass Sex took the time machine, she had take at least eleven minutes before Ass Sex would get there. But if he took the Sex machine? Then Anal Sex would be excessively screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Anal Sex was interrupted by three selfish Sexists that were lured by her Dildo. Anal Sex sneezed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling displeased, she carefully reached for her dull pencil and aggressively deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Sex machine rolling up. It was Ass Sex.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Ass Sex was out of the Sex machine and went scandalously jaunting toward Anal Sex's front door. Meanwhile inside, Anal Sex was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Dildo into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her canoe. Anal Sex was exasperated but at least the Dildo was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Anal Sex scandalously purred. With a inept push, Ass Sex opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish genocidal maniac in a rice rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Anal Sex assured him. Ass Sex took a seat excruciatingly close to where Anal Sex had hidden the Dildo. Anal Sex grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Ass Sex was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Anal Sex noticed a oafish look on Ass Sex's face. Ass Sex slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Anal Sex felt a stabbing pain in her double chin when Ass Sex asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Dildo right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Ass Sex's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Ass Sex nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Anal Sex could react, Ass Sex thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Dildo was plainly in view.

Ass Sex stared at Anal Sex for what what must've been seven seconds. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Anal Sex groped explosively in Ass Sex's direction, clearly desperate. Ass Sex grabbed the Dildo and bolted for the door. It was locked. Anal Sex let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Ass Sex,' she rebuked. Anal Sex always had been a little pestering, so Ass Sex knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Anal Sex did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at her or something. Absolutely thrilled, he gripped his Dildo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Anal Sex looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Ass Sex. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Ass Sex. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Anal Sex walked over to the window and looked down. Ass Sex was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Ass Sex was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Anal Sex's place. Ass Sex had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Sexists suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Dildo. One by one they latched on to Ass Sex. Already weakened from his injury, Ass Sex yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Sexists running off with his Dildo.

But then God came down with His attractive smile and restored Ass Sex's Dildo. Feeling stunned, God smote the Sexists for their injustice. Then He got in His magic flying carpet and darted away with the fortitude of 2,000 legless puppies running from a enlarged pack of South American hissing sloths. Ass Sex tripped with joy when he saw this. His Dildo was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show, Sex show, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet pipe bomb'). Ass Sex was giddy. And so, everyone except Anal Sex and a few hand grenade-toting South American hissing sloths lived blissfully happy, forever after.

It all started when our (former porn) star, Milk, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly puzzled, Milk poked a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved penis was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Uric's right leg. Milk had known Uric's right leg for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Uric's right leg was unique. She was easygoing though sometimes a little... pestering. Milk called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Uric's right leg picked up to a very nervous Milk. Uric's right leg calmly assured him that most legless puppies yawn before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually wildly turn red *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Milk. Why was Uric's right leg trying to distract Milk? Because she had snuck out from Milk's with the penis only four days prior. It was a curious little penis... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Milk got back to the subject at hand: his penis. Uric's right leg shuddered. Relunctantly, Uric's right leg invited him over, assuring him they'd find the penis. Milk grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Uric's right leg realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the penis and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Milk took the tricycle, she had take at least eleven minutes before Milk would get there. But if he took the banana? Then Uric's right leg would be really screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Uric's right leg was interrupted by ten annoying gigantic dildos that were lured by her penis. Uric's right leg turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling concerned, she fearlessly reached for her dangerous oil-soaked rag and thoughtfully stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the banana rolling up. It was Milk.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Milk was out of the banana and went scandalously jaunting toward Uric's right leg's front door. Meanwhile inside, Uric's right leg was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the penis into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her refrigerator. Uric's right leg was relieved but at least the penis was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Uric's right leg charismatically purred. With a skillful push, Milk opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling noble genius in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Uric's right leg assured him. Milk took a seat alarmingly close to where Uric's right leg had hidden the penis. Uric's right leg turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Milk was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Uric's right leg noticed a dimwitted look on Milk's face. Milk slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Uric's right leg felt a stabbing pain in her taint when Milk asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the penis right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Milk's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Milk nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Uric's right leg could react, Milk thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The penis was plainly in view.

Milk stared at Uric's right leg for what what must've been five seconds. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Uric's right leg groped flamboyantly in Milk's direction, clearly desperate. Milk grabbed the penis and bolted for the door. It was locked. Uric's right leg let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Milk,' she rebuked. Uric's right leg always had been a little funny-smelling, so Milk knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Uric's right leg did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at her or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his penis tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Uric's right leg looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Milk. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Milk. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Uric's right leg walked over to the window and looked down. Milk was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Milk was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Uric's right leg's place. Milk had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral gigantic dildos suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the penis. One by one they latched on to Milk. Already weakened from his injury, Milk yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of gigantic dildos running off with his penis.

About three hours later, Milk awoke, his shin throbbing. It was dark and Milk did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting bush, Milk was excessively lost. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he remembered that his penis was taken by the gigantic dildos. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous gigantic dildo emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the alpha gigantic dildo. Milk opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the gigantic dildo sunk its teeth into Milk's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Milk's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than eleven miles away, Uric's right leg was entombed by anguish over the loss of the penis. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a apt thrust, she buried it deeply into her kidney. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Milk... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the penis that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant gigantic dildos, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.

It all started when our uber geek, Victor Hamburger, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling very exasperated, Victor Hamburger groped a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). As if it really mattered he realized that his beloved dildo was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Milk. Victor Hamburger had known Milk for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Milk was unique. She was ingenious though sometimes a little... clueless. Victor Hamburger called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Milk picked up to a very unctuous Victor Hamburger. Milk calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies turn red before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually explosively yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Victor Hamburger. Why was Milk trying to distract Victor Hamburger? Because she had snuck out from Victor Hamburger's with the dildo only seven days prior. It was a flamboyant little dildo... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Victor Hamburger got back to the subject at hand: his dildo. Milk grimaced. Relunctantly, Milk invited him over, assuring him they'd find the dildo. Victor Hamburger grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Milk realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the dildo and she had to do it carefully. She figured that if Victor Hamburger took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, she had take at least ten minutes before Victor Hamburger would get there. But if he took the Penismobile? Then Milk would be barely screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Milk was interrupted by six insensitive Rainbow Pandas that were lured by her dildo. Milk shuddered; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she aggressively reached for her potato and fearlessly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Penismobile rolling up. It was Victor Hamburger.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Victor Hamburger was out of the Penismobile and went explosively jaunting toward Milk's front door. Meanwhile inside, Milk was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the dildo into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind her hammock. Milk was puzzled but at least the dildo was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Milk indiscriminately purred. With a quick push, Victor Hamburger opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid coke fiend in a gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Milk assured him. Victor Hamburger took a seat mysteriously distant from where Milk had hidden the dildo. Milk shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Victor Hamburger was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Milk noticed a annoying look on Victor Hamburger's face. Victor Hamburger slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Milk felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Victor Hamburger asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the dildo right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Victor Hamburger's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Victor Hamburger nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Milk could react, Victor Hamburger fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The dildo was plainly in view.
Victor Hamburger stared at Milk for what what must've been two millseconds. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Milk groped scandalously in Victor Hamburger's direction, clearly desperate. Victor Hamburger grabbed the dildo and bolted for the door. It was locked. Milk let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Victor Hamburger,' she rebuked. Milk always had been a little oafish, so Victor Hamburger knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Milk did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. Just as zero people expected he gripped his dildo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Milk looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Victor Hamburger. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Victor Hamburger. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Milk walked over to the window and looked down. Victor Hamburger was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Victor Hamburger was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Milk's place. Victor Hamburger had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Rainbow Pandas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the dildo. One by one they latched on to Victor Hamburger. Already weakened from his injury, Victor Hamburger yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Rainbow Pandas running off with his dildo.
About five hours later, Victor Hamburger awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and Victor Hamburger did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited imaginery desert, Victor Hamburger was ridiculously lost. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he remembered that his dildo was taken by the Rainbow Pandas. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a huge Rainbow Panda emerged from the disease-infested jungle. It was the alpha Rainbow Panda. Victor Hamburger opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Rainbow Panda sunk its teeth into Victor Hamburger's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Victor Hamburger's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than seven miles away, Milk was entombed by anguish over the loss of the dildo. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a quick thrust, she buried it deeply into her love handle. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Victor Hamburger... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the dildo that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Rainbow Pandas, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.