Hi there, and welcome to my advice column. It works in a similar way to Dear Abby, in that if people send me questions/dillemas/problems, I will give them advice on how to handle the situation.

The advice is totally free, and I will answer EVERY question asked, avan stupid ones from trolls. To be advised, either post you situation in this thread, or if you wish to remain anonymous PM it to me (I will never reveal you identity but WILL post the question and answer in this thread)

About your advisor: I am a 26 year old American man who started college late and on the way there experienced a boatload of things. I have been poor and homeless, as well as living semi affluent as a kid. I have been madly in love, blindly infatuated, and in some instances concerned with nothing but sex. I have been Christian, Satanic, and now agnostic/atheist. I have worked several jobs, played in bands, and been too depressed to anything at all.

I made this thread because I have noticed that people often ask my advice anyway, and its something I enjoy giving.

If you ask for advice, keep in mind that while this is some what srs buisness, I am also hoping to have some fun with it. So if you follow my advice and things get worse, Im sorry, but I wont take the blame either.

Now go!

dear deady,

my parents want me to go to college in the area, but I want to move to Colorado to be with my girlfriend when I graduate. the fuck should I do.

p.s.: my penis doesn't work. what do.

p.s.p.s: I live in Ohio, 1400 miles from Colorado.

My brother has two kids, a 2 year old and a 7 year old. My brother's girlfriend of at least 12 years started cheating on him with his best friend. They sort of resolved it and now they're back together. Great news! (Great=Horrible) Now they're having twins, and I think they can neither afford or handle them. What can I do?

College is fucking pissing me off today. HELP DEADY!

Dear deady,
I play sing and guitar, love it and hope to make a living on it for at least a while or while I'm in college. Problem is, I only know one friend that also plays an instrument (also guitar) and I can't really do what I want without an entier band. What should I do?
I'm considering guitar duo but it would be a last resort.

Dear Deady, recently i attempted to coerce a minor into cybersex over a chat program. Littlegirl13fcali then revealed herself as an employee of the FBI and informed me that my ip address has been logged and that i should expect a police visit within the week. What do i do?

Deady, I just read this post, and realized I fell into the same trap. What should I do?

p.s.p.s.ps
I cant afford another visit from the FBI, so please help.

Dear deady,

What should I do if one of my friends is always depressed? I mean, I've stuck by this person and been supportive all that I can. I asked my friend about it and I got a response of 'I don't understand it myself.' This person has friends who care about and would do anything for him/her, and yet, she/he feels worthless. What do?

Well, first and foremost you have to stop and consider whether or not this girl is really worth moving across the entire damn country to be with. Since I don't know the situation, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this a girl you HAVE met irl and that she is moving to Colorado, as opposed to some girl you met on the Internet and have never seen in person (in which case this whole thing gets a big fat NONONONONO, and if need be I can get into why). So, really stop and think about this. If you are planning on doing this I am going to guess that this is a girl you want to marry, which is awesome, and if that is the case I wont try to convince you otherwise because I know you wont listen. So, maybe the answer lies in trying to find a different solution to the problem. Could she move to Ohio? Or could you both move to somewhere more centrally located? I am willing to bet that your parents would be more open to idea if you weren't talking about moving so far away, like maybe a few states over as opposed to the complete opposite side of the nation.

As a rule, I tend to never make big life decisions based on someone else, and while I'm guessing you are super in love and mushy and AAWWWW...you have to remember that no matter how special the girl is to you, if you stick together long enough, you WILL reach a point where you just don't care. It might not last, and in my opinion if you make it through that then that is how you know for a fact you really do love someone.

So, eh, be careful. Don't go devoting your life to someone without KNOWING its what you want, don't go risking you relationship with your parents for something you aren't sure of, but most of all do what feels right, if you end up in Colorado and things go south, at least you are in Colorado and not Ohio, experience is always a bonus.

As for your penis, check the OLDA girls thread, there is a girl being posted right now who could fix any mans peen.


The only thing you can or should do is be supportive of your brother no matter what happens. Obviously you can make your opinions known, but don't go off and yell at him or plan some intervention or some shit (those barely work with drugs, so yeah). One of the shitty things about family is that they often do things other members of the family don't agree with, a lot of times this causes fights, and eventually you end up losing your brother/sister/whatever because you are too busy being pissed at them for making bad choices that you forget to just be there for them. Not saying this is the case with you, but it could get to that point.

So yeah, trust your brother to make choices that suit HIM best, and above all else remember that regardless of what he does he is still your brother. As for the twins, they might not be able to afford them, but that definitely doesn't mean you should go and suggest they get them aborted or something. The thing about kids is, unless you have an abortion, once they are made there is no stopping them. So just try to help them out, either financially, or by babysitting, or whatever, just being a good Uncle.

It sucks that his girlfriend cheated, and Im sure it made things even worse that it was his best friend. But if he says they have worked things out, then you have to trust him on that one. Unless she is clearly manipulating him (as opposed to just being a human who got curious after 12 years of the same wang), in which case you should say something, just dont get your hopes up about it sinking in.


At least you are going. Plus one great thing about college is that there is plenty of opportunity to meet people. So yeah, cheer up...school is awesome and a whole lot of people don't even get the chance to go.


lol, firs off, you should probably get rid of the idea of "making a living" from being a musician. The fact is that the world is saturated with musicians, and while you might make 20 or 30 bucks by playing a bar show, you typically end up spending way more than you earn. One thing you could do to make some scratch is offer lessons. A lot of people want to learn guitar, but are afraid to try, so having someone there to guide them through it is helpful and they are willing to pay for it.

As for finding a band, if you are in school right now there are probably many, many musicians on your campus, try to find them by going to shows or joining school centred music activities. Another great resource is Craigslist and sites like that. One that I know used to be good is garageband.com, though I'm not sure if it is still in operation. But yeah, either way, don't plan on making money for your music, because it almost never happens. If you want to play live, do it for the experience of playing a show, because its a blast and in some ways its way more awesome than a paycheck.


Well, since they were nice and gave you a week, get a high powered magnet, take out your PCs hard drive and run the magnet over the top of it in one direction 3 or 4 times. This will brick the hard drive and erase the volumes of CP you probably have on there, as well as any other incriminating evidence. Again, you are lucky they gave you prior notice, and a whole week to get ready. What I would do is find a local drug dealer and purchase as much Acid or Mushrooms or PCP or other potent hallucinogen as you can afford and eat it all at one time. When the police show up, if you aren't dead, you will be so far gone that you wont know what is happening. Chances are you will get off with an insanity plea, and even if that doesn't work your brain should left a vegetable from the drugs, so you wont mind getting raped in the ass in prison.


See above. Or just leave the country.


Well, just be their friend. It sucks that they are always depressed, but I'm guessing this is someone who is a bit younger (a teenager I mean) and a lot of times people get depressed for no reason during this time simply because of hormones and highschool drama. Either way though, the best thing to do is to do what you can to let the person know you are there for them. Dont harp on the subject too much, as that will just keep in the forefront of their heads and might make them think there really IS something wrong with them, when in reality they are just normal people. But let them know that if they do ever get an idea of what is wrong that they can talk to you about it. Also, try to get them out of it without expressly stating that that is what you are doing. So if they are sitting at home depressed, ask them if they want to go out and do something, if not, persist a bit, but don't press too much. You wont be able to "fix" the problem for the person, so if nothing works, dont give up on them. However, if you constantly invite the person out and they constantly refuse, remember that ultimately it is there choice, sometimes a person just needs to be left alone after all.

The main thing is, let them know they aren't worthless, not by telling them, but by showing them.


----------

Wasn't expecting this many posts good stuff. Keep em coming.

There are two girls that are interested in me, but I am interested in a relationship only for physical pleasure. How do I use them for gratification without killing my chances at future prospects?