(originally from the clan private board, but I am moving it here because the word needs to be spread!)
Hello friends, I am back to share some important tips for living your life --
Wiping your anus is probably one of the most key skills you will ever have to master. Along with kitten riding, blacksmith table tennis, and hookah bar pick-ups, this action requires skills beyond simple mortal comprehension, which is why I have selected to tell you lot how to succeed in it: because I want to watch you fail
like I have. Read it all you fuckers, but really you probably haven't even read this far, because you are all blue bimbos. (bbs (cuz cute)).
There are three different circumstances in which different anus wiping methods will be used to clean up correctly. They are explained below, each section containing: Circumstance and explanations, spoiler pictures, acceptable materials for wiping, how to grasp and wipe with the material, body positioning during wipe, disposal of material, and what your satisfaction face should look like.
Circumstance One: Feeding your toilet easy poop as if it were a fucking child
The regular solid poop is a very common pokemon found in your butthole before propulsion outwards, or inwards if you're a faggot and like taking it up the butt. It should be a very bland brown color, and as big as you feel like. You may control the sizes by clenching your butthole at intervals as the poop slips out, cutting the poop at sections.
Spoiler examples of the poop
Acceptable wiping materials
Since this is a very basic, tame poop you should choose a very relaxed material to glide across your poop covered bum. Examples would be regular toilet paper, leaves, loose leaf paper, girlfriend's hair, prostitutes hair (risk of contracting a disease, feels good though), brownie. Toilet paper is the most common, so if you want to be a fucking corporate sellout, choose that. I suggest brownie, it's like mixing yucky poop and awesome poop, except you can eat both after the mix!
How to grasp and wipe with the material
For this first circumstance the grip is very basic, very easy to learn. Take your four fingers and grasp under the material. Secure using your thumb on top, pressing just enough to keep the material firm and stead. Put the material at the upper most region where the poop has affected with your fingers on the opposite side, not touching the butt. Your thumb should be about midways up your butt, just touching the crest of the cheek. Now push the material firmly against your anus and stroke once in a downward fashion. Remove material, fold in half, stroke in the same way. Repeat with more material if need.
WARNING: DO NOT WIPE UP AND DOWN CONSISTENTLY, YOU'LL JUST SPREAD THE POOP AROUND LIKE A FUCKING FINGER PAINTING, COME ON MAN.
Body positioning during wipe
To get the most exposure you should have your upper section of your back across the toilet seat with your neck resting on the opened lid. Pull your knees as close as you can to your face and spread them shoulder distance apart. This allows you the most room to maneuver your arms and hands to get a good solid stroke on your anus. Just a tip, if you have so much hair on your ass that it blocks your hand (like me) then you should have a friend take a machete to it. To your anus I mean, not your butt hair. Sorry about that confusion.
Disposal of material
Since the havoc caused by your shit won't be too bad, the material can be just flushed down the toilet with the poop. You may have to cut the women's hair off because some women don't fit down the toilet. Fatties. If it gets clogged, then get pissed and call a plumber because you obviously didn't anally slice your poop into small enough bits, n00b.
This is what you should look like when you have completed you mission.
--Circumstance Two: Deepthroating your toilet with liquidy fuck from your butt will be out tomorrow!--