12/28/09
"Second chances, That's what they say, there's no need to put me on display. i lost my courage, i lost my brave. i wish we could go back to where we once laid. it's too bad, yeah it's too bad, that i had to go, and we had to grow. So far away, so far So good that's what they say, but who are they, now were here, That's what i fear."
"I lost my brave" doesn't really sound right, and "Now we're here, that's what I fear." probably isn't the best ending lines. The whole end section doesn't really flow right, I'd advise revising it.
"We learn to kiss before we learn to love, yet we learn to love before we learn to live."
"Let me do another one, how shall we pass the time, a lover's kiss, a liver's leap, live or love, that is the question, few experience both, but many experience neither."
I understand the point trying to be put across, but you could probably word it better. Something like:
"We learn to kiss before we learn to love, and we learn to love before we learn to live. Living and loving, they are one in the same, but nothing alike. While some may love and some may live, rarely does any one person do both. It's far easier to find those lost in life without love, or lost in love without life, or absent of both altogether."
"If we had time, if we had a dime, we would be fine, for a while, et's listen to eachother, in the moonlight, We'll be alright, until we get home, or until we find the phone, They'll shoot us down, I'll pick us up, We'll be alone as long as we need to be, or at least until we see that light, We'll be filled with fright, you may run, I'll be behind, following you through the forest, the trees and the rain, but as long as were together, I'll feel no pain. Just stay, by my side, i promise you'll be fine. Just lie low for a moment, soon we will own it. Just stay quiet through the night."
"...or at least until we see that light, We'll be filled with fright" I don't like that line. The rest is good.
That's enough criticism for one post, maybe I'll criticize more later.
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ALSO
I collaborated with my friend Spencer to make another song.
This time it's a 7 minute house piece. Go here and listen to Chains.mp3.
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p.s. I posted that shit with my DSi motherfuckers /o/
"Second chances, That's what they say, there's no need to put me on display. i lost my courage, i lost my brave. i wish we could go back to where we once laid. it's too bad, yeah it's too bad, that i had to go, and we had to grow. So far away, so far So good that's what they say, but who are they, now were here, That's what i fear."
"I lost my brave" doesn't really sound right, and "Now we're here, that's what I fear." probably isn't the best ending lines. The whole end section doesn't really flow right, I'd advise revising it.
"We learn to kiss before we learn to love, yet we learn to love before we learn to live."
"Let me do another one, how shall we pass the time, a lover's kiss, a liver's leap, live or love, that is the question, few experience both, but many experience neither."
I understand the point trying to be put across, but you could probably word it better. Something like:
"We learn to kiss before we learn to love, and we learn to love before we learn to live. Living and loving, they are one in the same, but nothing alike. While some may love and some may live, rarely does any one person do both. It's far easier to find those lost in life without love, or lost in love without life, or absent of both altogether."
"If we had time, if we had a dime, we would be fine, for a while, et's listen to eachother, in the moonlight, We'll be alright, until we get home, or until we find the phone, They'll shoot us down, I'll pick us up, We'll be alone as long as we need to be, or at least until we see that light, We'll be filled with fright, you may run, I'll be behind, following you through the forest, the trees and the rain, but as long as were together, I'll feel no pain. Just stay, by my side, i promise you'll be fine. Just lie low for a moment, soon we will own it. Just stay quiet through the night."
"...or at least until we see that light, We'll be filled with fright" I don't like that line. The rest is good.
That's enough criticism for one post, maybe I'll criticize more later.
-----
ALSO
I collaborated with my friend Spencer to make another song.
This time it's a 7 minute house piece. Go here and listen to Chains.mp3.
-----
p.s. I posted that shit with my DSi motherfuckers /o/
Last edited by Sarutobi; Mar 30, 2011 at 08:18 AM.
Reason: <24 hour edit/bump
[elite] Sarutobi ~ Ryland Gomez [elite]
