Heartfelt post by me, if any truly has mercy he would delete this before other eyes can see it.

I write this in the hope of one less guilt weighing my mind.


Thank you to the people I have met, and those I won't meet again, and to this community of very skilled players for allowing me the ability to improve and contrast myself to others, and for letting me experience once again the more normal mindset of everyday, more typical people. Thank you and a sorry to Anarkia, respectfully for letting me join and for giving up the game before I could call myself skilled. And a thank you to Goughy and Furryprints for showing genuinely touching displays of both kindness and humanity, regardless of what you think of yourselves you two have granted me a glimpse at something I wasn't even sure I had kept valued. Hopefully we will not meet again and no delusion on my part broken.


A sorry to those who don't like seriousness in posts, and a hopefully christian virtue display of loving thy enemy. I wish you all mercy and a good life, that you will find peace eventually, and if you've already have that then that peace is true and lasting.


And in hopes of casting off the wretchedness of resentment I write this post, in order to sleep tonight and no nightmare to haunt me. If you've reached this far you are both the cause of my shame and a merciful person.

Are you going to jail

are you the one posting nonsensical threads/posts or is that catana

i don’t know who you are

y'all could just let this dude vent or do whatever he's doin. I don't understand 10% of what he just said but I see no reason to dislike. Bye pencil, you were cool for the 5 minutes I talked to you

Dude are you ok? DM me on discord if you need to vent

you're welcome bro, don't sweat it

Pencilpusher,

Thank you for being a fun player. I really enjoy playing with you and the other community of Anarkia for the kindness, acceptance, and skill-fostering mindset.


I hope you find peace in your life, and I hope we play again soon,


earthandsky

I didn't want to come back to this thread since I knew I would only cry from reading my own post. Too many thoughts run through my mind as I realize just how much primal drive I find in doing what I think is right. This purely a vent on my part now.

I did write the OP with the intentions of sleeping without having to worry about the things I had done wrong and could've in in the presentation of my own ideals and sense of values, and contrary to Maya's post I did not make it from premarital sex being immoral. That's a confusion of different players, the irony of being called out for posting nonsense when nonsense is being posted lights my heart up. But no lessons would be learned by anyone who truly needs it, so I'll let it be as there will be no edification in simplyiny saying, "you're wrong."

I hold no guilt over any of my beliefs, only in my ability to express them as eloquently as I can. I feel trapped by the weight of responsibility and by how little control I have over myself, that I would keep a foot within wanting to simply escape and constantly wanting to test myself against new challenges. Over letting injustices go to make way for redemption, and wanting within my heart to see those who've wronged others to face the full consequences of their own actions.

Honestly I just feel like a pussy for thinking most of this shit, and it'd be best if I learned to turn off any sense of morality and righteousness and simply float in this aimless void called modern life. At least then I would not have to face the reality of suicide being a real and actual solution to most of my problems. When I feel I have so little in control my mind goes to places that are much darker than I'd like. It might sound edgy but when you're stuck with ideation you can't escape it. Much like seeing hallucinations or suffering the diseases of old age, or having loved ones or friends both die or simply not be seen again, or communities withering and dying both through losses members and active destruction, reality shows itself as the cruel consuming black void that leaves nothing untouched. A reality that I desperately try to keep away through staying within my own head, which is both predictable and understandable.

If you haven't understood my posts then I can only apologize, but being constantly misunderstood by everyone has also been a nightmare that I can't shake off. I do not know what I am missing.

Thank you for reading my pathetic display of what gnaws at me these days. If I were not on my phone I would post an image of some cute 2D girl.

Also thank you earth, nine, glimpsed, and ancientfor taking my post somewhat seriously. Daily life hurts and nothing I do anymore helps, I have probably lost it in posting within a community which I don't actually care much for.

I have met people who fully understand my writing style but they've been equally or more eccentric than I am. Nice people, some probably killed themselves already.

As a happier side note, if you're going through anything similar to what I'm going through, try writing. Maybe you're not into anime but the creator of sailor moon decided to write her fiction based off of what kind of friends she would like to have.


- Tolkein

Another quote by him about the ability to create being central to man being in the image of God also coming to mind, but I can't find that one. This quote obviously being paraphrased. That is all, I'll try to sleep again and hopefully I will have forgotten these posts.

hello, i have cleaned up a few spam messages i saw in this post!
also if you ever need anywhere to vent pencilpusher feel free to dm me on discord! my discord is Elmindreda#5289