Original Post
CMon's Weekly #10 - Ten Mundane Things We Rage At
At this point you should be noting that most of you missed out on my weekly last week. This is most likely due to me not posting one last week. If you want to read my frail compensation for not posting one, click this.
Anywhatever, I'm gonna be talking about rage now. More specifically, rage induced by puny, asshole-thingies that doesn't in any way matter, but get most people that aren't reincarnations of Ghandi snap. Most of these fits are really unfair too, because of two reasons:
1) The opposing pole can't rage. Therefore, you automatically lost by getting angry.
2) They usually come at you at the least convenient time, when you've had time to build up sufficient stress and you're more tense than a naked Philippine-boy in a room full of dirty pedophiles.
10: Your Clothes Are Plotting Against You
Your eyes open, and the world comes into shape through your bedroom ceilling slowly un-blurring. Your breath smells like Death's unholy butthole, and your head feels like it has been trashed by an angry ogre. You swing up in bed, and try not to vomit from the sudden nausea. There's a pair of pants lying beside the bed, no better option really. As you try putting them on, you suddenly realize that Mr. Denim was planning this all along. The bottom right leg of the pants is tied in an inexplicable hell-knot that your foot can't possibly force itself through, and with your current hangover, you can't be arsed to untie it. RAGE!
9: Slow Traffic Tries Stopping You When You're In A Hurry
Shit. You've got work in 8 minutes, and theoretically, it's a 10-minute drive. However, if you slam the pedal through the floor, you might just get there in time. This never works though, because you can be damned that just on this day, there's an old lady with a Skoda Favorit that seems afraid that the car might suddenly get too excited and jump off the road if she so much as approaches the speed limit by 20. And she's heading the exact same direction. Despite your vigorous attempts to get her to move her wrinkly, unmoisturized ass, you wind up 10 minutes late for work. You could have wound up just 2 minutes late. RAGE!
8: The Cashier Ruins Your Day By Not Smiling
Oh happy day! You skip into the store, get whatever candy, greasy food, soda and porn you were coming in for and smoothly slide up to the cashier. You just got your paycheck, and you're really looking forward to getting home and relaxing with a hamburger and some nice mid-page boobage. The cashier starts bleeping your wares, and you say "Hello there!". She responds with "Muh," before briefly looking up at you, with a devastating look on her face that expresses how everything about her day has been shit, and how it's mostly your fault. She even dares to sigh when you ask for a bag after paying. That bitch. When you get home to your spouse, you're off that good-spot you were earlier, and she gets mad at you for being so cranky. And then you get mad at everything because you're mad. And then you remember why you got pissed in the first place. RAGE!
7: The Coke Bottle Goes Insane And Tries To Kill You
Ahhhhhh. Coca Cola. The drink of gods. You're holding one explicitly cooled version of it in your hand, while your throat feels like Sahara, and you just can't wait popping it open. You throw yourself into your favourite armchair, and twist the cap off. Suddenly, the entire fucking Hiroshima-bombing is reconstructed through this bottle of coke. It spews out it's ooze like...like...well, don't you just want me to describe that in detail, you dirty little pig. Anyways, when you finally manage to get the situation under control, and you've done the basic cleanup, you realize that the Coke is now without fizz, and happens to taste like old grass aswell. RAGE!
6: A Table Leg Assassinates Your Toe
So you need to change your clothes after that coke incident, right? Well, you get up, and lurch across the room as if you were bloody John Travolta. Suddenly, the alarm goes off in your head. Something's wrong. There's an increasing amount of pain coming from your foot, more specifically, your little toe. As you open your mouth to spell out a tirade previously untouched by human lips, you realize that one of the table legs suddenly went guerillia and tackled your toe. The common reflex of the brain is to send the body into fetal position, accompanied by tears, cries for mommy, and RAGE!
WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME?!?
5: The Guy By The Pedestrian Crossing Is Playing With Your Head
You're riding home from work/school/whatever bordello you tend to go to when depressed and rowdy. You turn the turns you normally do, and brake when you normally brake. And here, look, there's a guy approaching the pedestrian crossing with a bike, better try not to wallpaper the asphalt with him, so you slow down. He gets off his bike, fair enough. He then leans over and looks at your car. Intensely. Your car is almost coming to a full halt now, and you being to wonder whether he's going to actually walk over or set up camp there. As your car comes to a full halt, he hesitantly starts walking over the road, while you RAGE over the guy that just wasted 8 seconds of your time by being a fucking sceptical pussy.
4: A Photographer Is Waiting For You To Look Your Worst
Last night's party was pretty rough, and you simply don't remember anything, other than having a shitload of fun. Oh look, somebody shared a photoalbum on Facebook from last night, and you're tagged in it! As you frantically click it, hoping to see you standing next to that one hot chick that you almost talked to, you suddenly realize that your photographic you seems to have come down with a bad case of Down's Syndrome. And so does everyone else. Infact, they notice it so well that they feel the need to point it out in the commenting section...on every. Single. Picture. RAGE!
3: There's A Massive Uprising Going On Around Your Scrotum
Right. Date. Cool head, cool looks, cool head. It starts off well, you both order what you feel like ordering and you talk about uninteresting stuff, but hey, atleast it keeps the conversation going. Suddenly, you feel something strange in the nether regions. While you were talking, an entire flea circus must have moved in around your testicles, because right now they're itching like holy mayonnaise! You can't scratch it, because then she'll think you've come down with the crabs or whatever, but you can't leave it be either, because then you'll be looking like a constipated Kermit the Frog for the rest of the date. In the end, it doesn't matter what you do, the date is extremely bland, and I guess there's no-one to blame but your own balls. RAGE!
2: Them Sounds, Do You Hear Them?
You're sitting by the computer, trying to finish off some work that's due for tomorrow. Mr. PC isn't doing very well though, it would seem that he's caught some sort of machinated equivalent of the swine flu. It's coughing and weezing and the fan keeps making this slight noise. And when I say slight noise I mean this really diminutive noise that's just like "--------" when you don't think about it, but when you DO think about it it sounds more like "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR". The sounds follow you after you've finished your work and gone to bed. Your night has been ruined due to hardware sounding like a blast furnace. RAGE!
1: A Sneaky Grease Demon Has Possessed Your Papyrus
You're writing whatever on a note. Why you're doing this is beyond everyone, seeing as everyone writing by hand nowadays will be considered a strange neanderthal. In any case, by the time you reach the right side of the note, your pen suddenly stops cooperating. Is it out of ink? No, you manage to make a perfectly shaped whazzamacallit in the upper corner of the paper. Somehow, your moist, sausage-eating hands have made the paper slick and disgusting, and the ink downright refuses to leave the pen to lie there with it. Now you have to find another note, or write so hard that it looks like you've been having a mighty stroke for the last three paragraphs. In any case, RAGE!
Sincerely,
~CMon, AAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Anywhatever, I'm gonna be talking about rage now. More specifically, rage induced by puny, asshole-thingies that doesn't in any way matter, but get most people that aren't reincarnations of Ghandi snap. Most of these fits are really unfair too, because of two reasons:
1) The opposing pole can't rage. Therefore, you automatically lost by getting angry.
2) They usually come at you at the least convenient time, when you've had time to build up sufficient stress and you're more tense than a naked Philippine-boy in a room full of dirty pedophiles.
10: Your Clothes Are Plotting Against You
Your eyes open, and the world comes into shape through your bedroom ceilling slowly un-blurring. Your breath smells like Death's unholy butthole, and your head feels like it has been trashed by an angry ogre. You swing up in bed, and try not to vomit from the sudden nausea. There's a pair of pants lying beside the bed, no better option really. As you try putting them on, you suddenly realize that Mr. Denim was planning this all along. The bottom right leg of the pants is tied in an inexplicable hell-knot that your foot can't possibly force itself through, and with your current hangover, you can't be arsed to untie it. RAGE!
9: Slow Traffic Tries Stopping You When You're In A Hurry
Shit. You've got work in 8 minutes, and theoretically, it's a 10-minute drive. However, if you slam the pedal through the floor, you might just get there in time. This never works though, because you can be damned that just on this day, there's an old lady with a Skoda Favorit that seems afraid that the car might suddenly get too excited and jump off the road if she so much as approaches the speed limit by 20. And she's heading the exact same direction. Despite your vigorous attempts to get her to move her wrinkly, unmoisturized ass, you wind up 10 minutes late for work. You could have wound up just 2 minutes late. RAGE!
8: The Cashier Ruins Your Day By Not Smiling
Oh happy day! You skip into the store, get whatever candy, greasy food, soda and porn you were coming in for and smoothly slide up to the cashier. You just got your paycheck, and you're really looking forward to getting home and relaxing with a hamburger and some nice mid-page boobage. The cashier starts bleeping your wares, and you say "Hello there!". She responds with "Muh," before briefly looking up at you, with a devastating look on her face that expresses how everything about her day has been shit, and how it's mostly your fault. She even dares to sigh when you ask for a bag after paying. That bitch. When you get home to your spouse, you're off that good-spot you were earlier, and she gets mad at you for being so cranky. And then you get mad at everything because you're mad. And then you remember why you got pissed in the first place. RAGE!
7: The Coke Bottle Goes Insane And Tries To Kill You
Ahhhhhh. Coca Cola. The drink of gods. You're holding one explicitly cooled version of it in your hand, while your throat feels like Sahara, and you just can't wait popping it open. You throw yourself into your favourite armchair, and twist the cap off. Suddenly, the entire fucking Hiroshima-bombing is reconstructed through this bottle of coke. It spews out it's ooze like...like...well, don't you just want me to describe that in detail, you dirty little pig. Anyways, when you finally manage to get the situation under control, and you've done the basic cleanup, you realize that the Coke is now without fizz, and happens to taste like old grass aswell. RAGE!
6: A Table Leg Assassinates Your Toe
So you need to change your clothes after that coke incident, right? Well, you get up, and lurch across the room as if you were bloody John Travolta. Suddenly, the alarm goes off in your head. Something's wrong. There's an increasing amount of pain coming from your foot, more specifically, your little toe. As you open your mouth to spell out a tirade previously untouched by human lips, you realize that one of the table legs suddenly went guerillia and tackled your toe. The common reflex of the brain is to send the body into fetal position, accompanied by tears, cries for mommy, and RAGE!
WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME?!?
5: The Guy By The Pedestrian Crossing Is Playing With Your Head
You're riding home from work/school/whatever bordello you tend to go to when depressed and rowdy. You turn the turns you normally do, and brake when you normally brake. And here, look, there's a guy approaching the pedestrian crossing with a bike, better try not to wallpaper the asphalt with him, so you slow down. He gets off his bike, fair enough. He then leans over and looks at your car. Intensely. Your car is almost coming to a full halt now, and you being to wonder whether he's going to actually walk over or set up camp there. As your car comes to a full halt, he hesitantly starts walking over the road, while you RAGE over the guy that just wasted 8 seconds of your time by being a fucking sceptical pussy.
4: A Photographer Is Waiting For You To Look Your Worst
Last night's party was pretty rough, and you simply don't remember anything, other than having a shitload of fun. Oh look, somebody shared a photoalbum on Facebook from last night, and you're tagged in it! As you frantically click it, hoping to see you standing next to that one hot chick that you almost talked to, you suddenly realize that your photographic you seems to have come down with a bad case of Down's Syndrome. And so does everyone else. Infact, they notice it so well that they feel the need to point it out in the commenting section...on every. Single. Picture. RAGE!
3: There's A Massive Uprising Going On Around Your Scrotum
Right. Date. Cool head, cool looks, cool head. It starts off well, you both order what you feel like ordering and you talk about uninteresting stuff, but hey, atleast it keeps the conversation going. Suddenly, you feel something strange in the nether regions. While you were talking, an entire flea circus must have moved in around your testicles, because right now they're itching like holy mayonnaise! You can't scratch it, because then she'll think you've come down with the crabs or whatever, but you can't leave it be either, because then you'll be looking like a constipated Kermit the Frog for the rest of the date. In the end, it doesn't matter what you do, the date is extremely bland, and I guess there's no-one to blame but your own balls. RAGE!
2: Them Sounds, Do You Hear Them?
You're sitting by the computer, trying to finish off some work that's due for tomorrow. Mr. PC isn't doing very well though, it would seem that he's caught some sort of machinated equivalent of the swine flu. It's coughing and weezing and the fan keeps making this slight noise. And when I say slight noise I mean this really diminutive noise that's just like "--------" when you don't think about it, but when you DO think about it it sounds more like "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR". The sounds follow you after you've finished your work and gone to bed. Your night has been ruined due to hardware sounding like a blast furnace. RAGE!
1: A Sneaky Grease Demon Has Possessed Your Papyrus
You're writing whatever on a note. Why you're doing this is beyond everyone, seeing as everyone writing by hand nowadays will be considered a strange neanderthal. In any case, by the time you reach the right side of the note, your pen suddenly stops cooperating. Is it out of ink? No, you manage to make a perfectly shaped whazzamacallit in the upper corner of the paper. Somehow, your moist, sausage-eating hands have made the paper slick and disgusting, and the ink downright refuses to leave the pen to lie there with it. Now you have to find another note, or write so hard that it looks like you've been having a mighty stroke for the last three paragraphs. In any case, RAGE!
Sincerely,
~CMon, AAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Last edited by CMon; Dec 20, 2009 at 10:41 PM.
Oh my god, I couldn't have said anything better than you described.
Nobody addresses the truths in life better than you.
Number 6 happens to be multiple times in short time periods, and I bet it will happen again within the next 10 minutes to me.
Nobody addresses the truths in life better than you.
Number 6 happens to be multiple times in short time periods, and I bet it will happen again within the next 10 minutes to me.
Back in my day...
